Cycle (072)

Every 25 days, I threaten to cut out my own uterus. Yes, my cycle is only 25 days. How lucky I am to have such a short hormone cycle. Since my period started when I was 12, I have had severe cramps and mood changes. I’ve spent far too long of my life on heating pads, screaming in pain, eating ibuprofen that has probably destroyed my stomach, throwing up from pain, and wondering why I still go through this. 

During the near decade I spent trying different types of hormonal birth control, I discovered that constant “morning sickness” from my body thinking I’m pregnant doesn’t prevent weight gain. Also, they never helped my hormone-induced depression cycles. I feel stuck. Usually, the worst day is the first of my period. I become entirely helpless, devoid of meaning or desire to do anything. Truly, anything. This includes living, though I’m able to tell myself the feeling is temporary and I have lived through all of the cycles so far.

I try to count myself as lucky that I don’t have worse problems, like bleeding for weeks on end or soaking a full pack of super tampons during one period. Mine are very short, only three days, and the flow seems relatively light compared to what I experienced as a teenager. Once I have health insurance again, I plan to see a gynecologist to discuss my options to remedy these nightmare cycles. I hope there are decent options.