Family (027)

This has always been a difficult topic for me. I’m tearing up, facial tissues full of blood and snot, just thinking about writing this. Sissy and Grannie came over today. I need to see them both more often—born of both desire and guilt. The mixed feelings I have for Grannie and what she has done that affects the way I navigate the world still get in the way of the knowledge that I have limited time remaining with her. I need to remember to go get her prescription filled this afternoon, but I digress. 

The way I view family as a concept is perhaps skewed from what the media portrays as the standard nuclear unit, connected by blood and marriage, two parents in love and their happy children. Children: not just one. Grandparents lived in their own homes and were the nurturing, carefree, smiling older adults that could give the kids back to their parents and be on their merry way. 

Sissy was that older adult for me. Grannie was a second mother. We only did not live with her for a couple years in Kentucky when I was around 4, and then again after Grannie had us evicted from her house when I was 14. Even before that betrayal of trust, there were myriad events that lead to my disdain for her as a person. They’ll be in the book, I promise.

While they were over, eating Chinese takeout, Grannie to my left with one of my hand towels tucked into her shirt, Sissy at the opposite end of the table, we visited until they had to leave for a doctor appointment. Sissy and I talked about losing family due to separations. I showed her the nephew of her former partner on Facebook and we talked about her parents’ passing. They were always sweethearts to Sissy and our family. 

I cannot wait to see Sissy and Grannie again, and this emotion is tearing me apart because it brought me to joy intoxication. I cry—a lot—when I’m this confused about my emotions. The confusion arises from sudden elation against a backdrop of blasé malaise.