Breathing Room
All my life, I have just wanted to be free. Free from the binds of a workplace. Free from expectations of family. Free from the responsibility of having a child. Free to make up my own mind about what I do with my time.
It stems from my time and security being stripped from me as an adolescent. At the time, all I wanted was to grow up so I could make my own decisions, not depend on anyone else to give me a safe space to live. Because of what happened, I had to grow up emotionally far more quickly than should have been expected of me.
I have a difficult time when expectations are placed on me by others, especially when I have stated that I am unavailable for what they want of me. Lately, I have wanted to pack up my car and drive somewhere to stay for a few nights alone. I just need to escape for a little while.
Something that has appealed to me for a few years is living in a van or skoolie. I crave the freedom that comes with my home not being stuck in one location. I have no clue what I would do for the income required for that lifestyle. It’s not much, but I wouldn’t be able to do the gig economy work that I do now in my small sedan. Seasonal jobs appeal to me as a means of income. This is also a major push behind me making videos for YouTube. I understand that it takes a long time and consistency to get to the point of making any money at all on it, but that’s why I am forcing myself to stick with it.
I follow a ton of van lifers on social media. I know it is not always glamorous. Rustic camping is the same way, and I enjoy that immensely. The worst part is the bugs, but I’d learn to deal. If I got to one location and didn’t enjoy the climate, I could drive somewhere else. I would have that freedom.
Today, my time was assumed to be free for doing what someone else chose, and it got me extremely irritated to the point of yelling and questioning my life choices. I can’t be part of something in which I am unfree to make decisions about my time.
At the very least, I need a vacation. A solo vacation. No responsibilities. I have intensely craved this for a few months now. I’m quick to anger, and there is no fuse for mistakes. I know that this is my problem, but when I’m continuously triggered after explaining constant carelessness, it might not be all my fault.
It felt good to get out and drive around by myself today. I was working, which also felt good, so there was more of a purpose than just to get out and be on my own. Soon, I might just disappear for a few days. I’ll come back. I just need some breathing room.
