Everything All At Once
Despite watching, reading, learning from amateur and long-time professionals, and deep down knowing that doing one thing at a time is the best method for getting anything done, I have always felt like I need to do everything at once.
I made a short-lived series about trying to take baby steps to improve my life. It helped me focus some energy into myself that I am thankful to Past Andrea for using.
I am having a rough time with my health. It’s been blurring the reality that I am actually doing much better mentally now than I had been in the past. The truth about my struggles is health related.
Or my health struggles are due to the stress of the past. That’s more likely. Fuck, I had shingles at 20 because I was having near daily panic and anxiety attacks. I became addicted to Xanax for almost a decade. It sucked to stop taking that, and I can’t remember how long it’s been since I last took one. At least four years, probably five.
My brain is fried.
Knowing that, I am working on treating it well by seeing doctors about the rest of my organs.
In August, my iPad reminded me two days ago, my face was covered in a red rash that I cried about daily. I tried treating it as a fungal infection, and it worsened. I was able to see a dermatologist who explained that my skin was reacting to a chemical irritant. I had developed some new allergies thanks to my favorite shampoo.
The rim of the bathtub looks like a hotel furnished full sized products for my stay. And my face is more clear now than it’s ever been, acne included.
That’s another thing I’m doing for myself: daily baths. I haven’t stepped foot in the shower stall since autumn. Everyone who learns this fact about me is grossed out. I don’t understand that. Humans bathed for centuries. In 2022, this year since my ancestors’ lord’s creation, I have a giant, yellow plastic cup with which to rinse myself with fresh tap water as I stand in the basin.
Past Andrea very much enjoyed taking baths, mostly before age 12. Over 12 Andrea is healing a little more with every bath I take.
I was going to begin writing just now about my Ulcerative Colitis diagnosis, and then I reminded myself that this entry doesn’t need to be about everything all at once. The work on that mindset is still just beginning.
My manager at work told me that he finishes cleaning one area before moving onto the next. And, you know what? Trying that has worked out well for me in my new position. I am still struggling with the job, physically. UC also causes inflammation elsewhere in the body, which is something I have dealt with since my mid-twenties. Tylenol only helps so much, and my joints are almost always in pain.
I see a rheumatologist in August to help take care of that and find out how all of my other symptoms are connected. When there is one auto-immune disease, there is usually another.
I’m done treating my health issues as this separate entity that creeps along in my shadows, pestering me with every decision and movement I make. By showing myself more compassion, I may be able to more easily act on my empathy for others. It’s there, but it lurks as well.
I don’t mind when people talk about their ailments. We are all living under the human condition, and part of this experience is handling what goes on inside our bodies—brains included. Perhaps if we were to talk about our inner experiences more, everyone would be more tempted to show compassion.
Maybe it’s naive to think that way. Maybe it’s one way I’m actually optimistic. If it’s the latter, this nihilist will accept that.
There is also this burning to be everything all at once. I’ll bench that discussion because for this moment I’m a writer.
In ten minutes, I’ll be a viewer of Ted Lasso.
Always,
Andrea
