Empty (020)

Today, I feel empty. It got worse over the course of the day, and it’s nothing new. The week before my periods are insanely terrible for my mood. It’s when I have a very difficult time staying on track with goals and, honestly, movement. My insides turn on me in many ways. Every organ feels as though they are being squeezed in a juicer. Knowing that it is coming, I can prepare for it, but it isn’t always easy to stay ahead of the shit storm. 

I just started crying while watching Meghan Rienks say goodbye to her boyfriend’s parents’ place. This is difficult to write, like these two simple paragraphs to post on my blog, not the emotional crap. That part comes naturally. My brain is not connecting the thoughts to my fingers. Jorah is passed out on the sofa to my right. He got too hot lying on the heating pad that was on my feet, despite it being on low. He doesn’t usually lie directly on it, so I think that it was too hot. He got up for a drink and then decided not to return. 

I’m thankful Mike subscribed me to the Schitt’s Creek channel on YouTube. I make videos as a way to remember what happened in my life in a given time. There are times I wish I could remember but are blocked out. It’s long bursts of time before the worst things started happening when I was 12, so these are fundamental memories that are missing. Okay, I need to post this. This is one of the habits I do not want to give up on, and it’s due at midnight. Can you tell my mom was a teacher, and I’m a teacher’s pet? God damn, yeah, I was that kid who would be like “you assigned us something, didn’t you?” I’ll be lenient in my grade if I miss deadline occasionally. Holy shit, this is all over now. You get what I mean by empty? There’s a pea rattling around in there.