Wax (036)

There was a mishap today with wax. Specifically, body hair wax strips. Most people I know would file this under TMI. But here’s something most people learn about me fairly quickly: I don’t believe in Too Much Information. We are all living a shared human experience, and we’ve all been there or will be there at some point. What’s the point of hiding anything? 

I tried to give myself a Brazilian at home. With pre-waxed strips, the kind you rub in your hands a few times before using. Yeah, some of you are shaking your head knowingly. Well, I have to try everything if I have any confidence that I could pull it off. Might as well save the money that it takes to hire a professional and give it a go. I took a super hot bath, scrubbed my legs and bits, and laid the wax strips on a heating pad to make them more pliable. Looking back, the heating pad was far too hot. It should have been on a low or warm setting rather than high. 

I hunkered over the mirror, pulled the strips apart, and carefully placed them on each cheek, sweeping forward. Maybe I should have waited for the wax to cool more once the strips were in place. All of these thoughts of how I fucked up that raced through my head after I failed this experiment. I yanked, and some hair did come off, attached to the strips, but about half of the wax was still left on my skin. I replaced the strips on my skin, hoping to let them cool some and pull the rest of the wax off. Nope. Still stuck on me. Grabbed two new strips and tried with those. Nope. 

I waddled through the apartment, cheeks stuck together, and found my small tub of petroleum jelly. The internet assured me this would help get the wax off. Also, a hot water soak should make this easier. So I got back into the bath tub that I had just spent 40 minutes in, reading on my Kindle, and filled it up a few inches. Once the petroleum jelly was in place to start the process, the hot water helped ease the substances off my delicates. 

By the time I realized I’d need the super drying liquid hand soap, the bathtub was like a slip n slide. I nearly fell on my face when reaching for the soap on the sink, catching myself on the toilet, thankful that my heel stopped sliding back once it hit the tub’s side. The hand soap finalized the process, and I had to drain and refill the tub to get all of the soap, jelly, and wax off my ass. It was quite the shit show. Next time, I’ll hire a professional.